I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.