I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
You Might Also Like
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary