*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Anyone really
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.