Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.