“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
gentlemen, hear me out
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color