Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.