I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out