WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
You Might Also Like
how high up are we talkin’?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Customer is always right
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.