Why am I like this?
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
A bold strategy
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep