My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops