Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?