•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I wish I could veto my bills.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.