Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
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I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Cardio Made Easy
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.