I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Cats (2019)
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)