Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.