no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
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Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog