Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
even bears disappoint their mothers
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.