[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Guy who likes music
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”