*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
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My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor