I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Teach your children to beatbox
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.