If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.