sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.