I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
This line from Airplane.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious