“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?