I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
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Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair