I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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Happy Taco Tuesday
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was