Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows