I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂