Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.