Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?