The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I have never related to anyone more.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.