me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.