We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.