Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…