[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When I laugh on my period
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Okay
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.