I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
You Might Also Like
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History