*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower