Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Free him
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
BRO LMFAO
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.