[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Seek kebab; not attention
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.