eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
In case you needed to hear it:
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.