Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*