THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me if I was a dog
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Always
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]