One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.