So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
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not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Why am I like this?
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