handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind