You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
You Might Also Like
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.