accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
when revenge coincides with naptime
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”