Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
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I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My new favorite headline
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
when revenge coincides with naptime
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.