Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.