Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me